4- Asking for what I want.

This post is the fifth of a series of preparation exercises for Bring Yourself To Work Day. The purpose of this exercise is to improve your ability to ask for what you want, rather than waiting for permission to ask.

What do you want? This is the miracle question.

I struggle to distinguish between like, want, and need. I can like something without wanting it. I can also want something without needing it. I suppose maturity helps me make these fine distinctions.

My wife Amy and I were plotting with a colleague, when she asked him, "What do you want?"

"I'd like ... ," he began.

To which Amy replied, "But what do you want?"

"Like, want, what does it matter?" our friend responded.

"Here's the difference," Amy continued. "I like you." She waited a few seconds as this statement sunk in before affecting a seductive look, then said, "I want you!"

Our friend almost fell out of his chair!

Before asking for what I want, it's helpful to make this one, small distinction between like, want, and need. Prefer what I like. Attract what I want. Go out and get what I need.

How do I attract what I want? I hold what I want close to my heart. If it sits comfortably there, it’s probably something I really want.

I troll for opportunities to get what I want. With this intention sitting comfortably close to my heart, I’m more likely to notice when my heart’s desire appears.

When it appears, if I wait for permission to ask for what I want, I’ve found that I do a lot more waiting than asking, and very little getting what I want.

But I can start small, even at work. by first getting clear about what I want. This seems a simple, invisible, unindictable preface to asking for what I want. Because if I’m not clear about what I want, I’m unlikely to notice when an opportunity to ask for it appears.

Now here’s the magic part. Rather than insisting upon asking for what you want when you notice the opportunity to ask appear, notice when you don’t ask. Don’t beat yourself up about it, just notice. Observe reflectively. If you find yourself asking less than noticing, you’ve shown yourself to be completely human. If you notice that you’re noticing a lot more than you used to, you’re perfectly positioned for the next step, asking for what you want.

Since wanting isn’t so urgent as needing, and more insistent than liking, missing opportunities to ask for what you want is no terrible crime. But not even noticing when the opportunity to ask for what you want occurs seems the very recipe for concluding that you can’t ever get what you want.

Notice today. Get clear about what you want, hold that close to your heart, and watch yourself choosing not to speak up for your heart’s desire. Your heart will teach you to ask, when the times are right, once it notices a few opportunities to ask for what you really want slip away.